The Crystal Cat

Christmas officially ended 15 minutes ago. The day started out lovely. I was still feeling so very happy about the Christmas Eve service at church last night. It was the first Christmas Eve service I've been to in seven or eight years. I've been working really hard lately to really focus on my Christian walk. After placing the presents under the tree last night, I sat down and read nine chapters of Luke. This morning at 8 a.m. we were up with the kids opening gifts.

This afternoon we did what we usually do on Christmas Day and drove to my mother-in-law's house. We have a very large extended family on both sides. I simply can't buy for every single person. However, I always feel I should buy something for my sisters-in-law. This year I bought all of them a small crystal figurine. When I first purchased these figurines I bought several "extras" because I wanted them for my curio cabinet. With the exception of two, I didn't decide who gets what figurine at the time of purchase. My plan was to bring them home and decide who gets what and which ones I would keep.

Most of these figurines were animals. One was a crystal cat. I have a sister-in-law who loves cats, but I didn't know if I would give it to her or not. Firstly, I thought it was cute and would fit into the animal theme I was trying to put together. Secondly, I have one sister-in-law who bought from this crystal stand last year and figured others might buy from it this year. I felt pretty confident that if anyone else did, they would give my sister-in-law a cat, which means I'd be giving her a duplicate. My 13-year-old daughter suggested a few times that we give my sister-in-law the cat, but in the end I decided against it and gave her a very pretty rose.

Fast forward to today. My sister-in-law opens her gift and, I suppose, is pleased with it. My daughter was sitting next to her at the time. This child tends to not think before speaking. She's also a little bit "show offy" at times, so will say things to make herself "look good." Today was one of those days when she opened her big mouth and told my sister-in-law that SHE wanted us to give her the cat but "mom didn't want to." I overheard her say it, and that's pretty much how it was worded. It came out sounding like I chose not to give it to her in a spiteful manner. My heart sunk, and I immediately felt humiliated. I could've spoken up but didn't even know what to say. Nothing I could've said would've made me look any better; it would've looked like I was covering for myself.

My daughter came over a few minutes later, and I immediately told her how I felt. She apologized as if it were no big deal, but I was deeply embarrassed. A few minutes later she realized how humiliated I felt and went upstairs to the bedroom to cry. I followed her up a few minutes later. She apologized again, but I was so upset I couldn't even forgive her. I knew I WOULD forgive her, but I was too upset to do it, probably because I knew I had to go back downstairs and face my sister-in-law.

I didn't withhold the crystal cat to be mean and not to be intentionally greedy, either. I just looked at it as sticking with the theme I had going and knowing a rose wouldn't fit in. That doesn't matter, though. The fact is, I KNEW my sister-in-law would prefer the cat, and I made the choice to keep it for myself. No matter how I look at it or try to explain it away, it was still a greedy thing to do. I'm feeling horrible about it now. I would love to give her the cat straight from my curio cabinet, but I know at this moment it would seem insincere and guilt driven.

I was wrong to make the choice I made. Christmas is for giving, and I didn't give my sister-in-law the figurine I knew she'd prefer. My daughter was very excited about the new figurines going in the cabinet, but her heart was in the right place more than mine was when I was picking out the figurines I wanted to give away and keep. It doesn't make her actions right; I'm not saying that at all. She should have kept her mouth shut because this may have caused hurt feelings with my sister-in-law.

We both messed up, but I messed up more. I'm the adult. I should have set the Christian example that I want to set for my children. I also should have forgiven her right away because my feeling of humiliation was worsened because of my guilt. It's not her fault I feel guilty. It's mine, and it could've been avoided. I learned my lesson.

Forgiveness

This blog isn't here for any reason other than to keep a record for future reference.

Forgiveness has been on my mind a lot lately. I was hurt badly by someone many years ago. I forgave him after quite a while. In my heart, I truly had forgiven him. Recently I learned a few things about his life now that brought back all that hurt and anger. I'm now in a place I don't want to be - a state of unforgiveness. I'm trying very hard to forgive him, and I very much believe that God is helping me with that.

God speaks to us in many different ways. He speaks to us in prayer, in church, through a sermon heard on TV or online, while reading His Word, and even in dreams. God uses different methods to speak to different people. For me, dreams is one of the ways He speaks to me. I'm not talking about hearing a voice or anything like that. It might just be what happens in the dream or how I feel when I wake up from the dream.

A few times recently I've had dreams about the person that hurt me many years ago. Although I've been struggling with unforgiveness, it isn't something I actually think about a whole lot. I'm not dwelling on the resurfaced hurt and anger all day. I generally don't go to bed thinking about it. This is how I know God is working on my heart while I dream. He does it on nights I'm not at all thinking about the person from my past.

The dreams I have aren't anything spectacular, but they're usually quite vivid. When I dream about this person, there is definitely tension when we interact; however, there isn't really any conflict. In the back of my mind when I dream is always what he did to me. I don't have these dreams as if our past never happened, but I do get through the dream without showing him my hurt and anger. When I wake up, my heart feels softer. I don't feel as angry when I wake up, and I tend to go about my day remembering the dream without the hurt and anger resurfacing.

I'm not completely over what he did to me. The hurt and anger are still there but less. It's being chipped away at slowly. My heart wants to completely forgive him again, and I know that will happen over time if I continue to pray for God's help. I can't do it alone, and I won't do it alone. God is with me. He knows my unforgiveness is hurting me more than it's hurting anyone else. It certainly isn't hurting the person who hurt me so long ago.

The Bible says we need to forgive seventy times seven times. I understand what that means more than ever now. It doesn't just mean to forgive the offender if he keeps offending. It also means to forgive every time your heart starts to harden towards that person. This could be a daily thing, and if it is then we're to forgive every single day.

With forgiveness comes freedom. I know someday with God's help I'll be free of the hurt and anger I experienced so long ago.